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So I came across another article yesterday that basically blamed mothers for any messed up adults (again!) the headline being – ‘How bond with mother in first 18 months can shape our love life!’ I should probably say it was in the Daily Mail which helped me not to take it too seriously. However, the article was based on research done by a team of psychologists and university professors (The study is published in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science) which again doesn’t particularly mean it’s any more true – but nevertheless made it appear slightly more official. The researchers found ‘those children with a secure bond with their mothers were likely to have more successful relationships later on in life’. This much I agree with and I know there has been extensive research that the first years are of huge significance to a person’s life course. There has also been extensive research on how physical touch and love have a massive effect on the brain development of children – see a brilliant book on this called ‘The Science of Parenting’. However, the research in this article goes a step further claiming:
‘Your interpersonal experiences with your mother during the first 12 to 18 months of life predict your behaviour in romantic relationships 20 years later.’
Apparently the ability to ‘trust, love and work through arguments’ is developed early on in these crucial stages. I don’t think a single person could read the article and not end up analysing whether there is a correlation between their mother’s love and the success or failure of their relationships. My problem with this is whether it gives adults an excuse for poor behaviour and encourages a lack of responsibility for one’s actions.
The article does go on to say, ‘Old patterns can be overcome. A betrayed baby can become loyal. An unloved infant can learn to love.’ Which suggests we are not a slave to our upbringing though even this was put in a particularly harsh way.
It is not new news that our childhood affects who we are as adults but when it comes to romantic relationships I would have thought we were more influenced by the opposite sex parent to a larger extent and surely at a much later stage in life? As with most sweeping statements it ignores the multitudes of other factors that influence a persons conduct in a relationship.
If this study is to be trusted then where does that leave every mother who has suffered with post natal depression and was unable to bond with her child during that crucial first year? Feeling pretty crap I would think!
I’m a firm believer that most things can be turned around with a big, and consistent, dose of love and that we have the power to change ourselves, break the mould and decide who we want to be!
I read with interest yesterday an article on the updated findings of a landmark report published three years ago by the Children’s Society – ‘A Good Childhood’ which I blogged on some months back – here. The previous study warned that young people’s lives are being blighted by Britain’s selfish society. However, the updated findings say that ‘half a million children in Britain are unhappy at any moment’. Following interviews with 30,000 under-16s it claims those who have deeply negative feelings about their lives are at higher risk of bullying, depression and eating disorders. At first glance it makes for depressing reading and is another stark reminder that we still have unacceptable levels of child poverty in this country are more than unacceptable. But, I then realised that the study was not talking about children on the poverty line but children in general across the board!
As I read on what actually concerned, and frankly annoyed, me about the report was the findings that;
‘Children who worry that they do not have the right clothes to “fit in” with classmates are three times as likely to be unhappy with the way they look, with the problem affecting girls more than boys.’ And ‘Those who received less pocket money than their peers reported lower levels of well-being, but so did those who were given a lot more cash, suggesting that children want to be similar to their friends more than they want to be rich.’
I’m sorry but since when did we not balk at the idea that our responsibility for making our children ‘happy’ lies with providing them with the right ‘clothes’ and enough pocket money? Is it just me or is something amiss here? Should it not be more cause for alarm that the emphasis and importance placed on image, labels and material things in general is completely out of control and endemic? Instead of being encouraged to revise our children’s opinions we’re being pressured to adhere to their demands and (in my opinion) helping to compound the problem.
Don’t get me wrong; I do understand the mortification of not having a ‘puff-ball’ skirt, ‘Wallabies’ or a ‘United Colors of Benetton’ sweatshirt at school because we were a single-parent family who lived on a council estate! However, despite our low income, my mum always dressed us ‘well’ albeit not the latest labels. My mum, instead encouraged us to be individual and suggested it was cool to be different – just as well seen as we were the only mixed-race kids in our entire year! I remember my aunt made us some ‘flares’ just before they heavily came in fashion (I’m talking the second time round in the 90’s – I’m not that old!) and although we were a little nervous at wearing them in the first week, the ‘top girl’ of the school came up to us asked us where we got them from and if our aunt would make her some! There is a lot you can get away with if you’re confident and this attitude has got me a long way in life ever since. I just think it’s a much more helpful trait to encourage in your child – confidence, individuality and setting the trend rather than following it.
There is a big difference between not having any shoes at all (real child poverty) and not having the ‘right’ shoes. And as for pocket money – don’t even get me started. They don’t know they’re born!!
Yesterday a survey by OnePoll for I CAN, the children’s communication charity, and Openreach revealed that children in the UK are suffering as the recession forces parents to take extra work.
According to the findings the recession has forced 81% of parents in London (72% of British parents nationally) to take on extra work to make ends meet putting pressure on home life and time with children. Worryingly, parents surveyed said this impacts on the time that they have to talk and interact with their child aged 0-5 years, which could potentially impact on their child’s communication development and their school readiness. Evidence shows that children’s understanding and use of vocabulary at 2 is very strongly associated with their performance on entering primary school. More than 50% of children start school without the communication skills they need to achieve particularly in some areas of social deprivation within the UK.
Key stats from survey in London:
• Over a third are working longer hours, one-fifth have found themselves with no option but to take on a second job and a quarter of parents surveyed are now doing extra work from home.
• More than half (57%) say they have less quality time with their children as a result of their work.
The survey shows that parents of children 0-5 years old, understand the importance of regular, quality conversation with their children. However:
• 44% say they rarely have time to talk these days and blame increased workloads.
• 20% are too tired to chat with their children by the time they get home from work.
• Around a third state that either answering work calls or responding to emails often interrupts attempts to chat with their children.
• Although parents in London recognise mealtimes as one of the key occasions to engage in conversation with young children, nearly 40% are regularly missing out on these meals due to work commitments.
The survey aims to encourage as many families, nurseries, child minders, children’s groups and others across London to register and take part in I CAN’s Chatterbox Challenge 2012 ‘Kids in Motion: Get Active and Make Chatter Matter’. the 11th annual Chatterbox Challenge, from 1-7th February 2012. The Chatterbox Challenge, developed by speech and language therapists, aims to develop children’s communication skills, through songs and rhymes, in homes, nurseries and childminding groups across the country.”
With support from Openreach, donations raised during the Chatterbox Challenge go directly to I CAN’s work with children with speech, language and communication difficulties. I CAN aims to ensure that no child is left out or left behind because of a difficulty speaking or understanding.
Kate Freeman, I CAN Communication Lead Advisor says, ‘There are many quick and simple ways to help your child’s communication and we’ve put together 10 tips on building talking and singing into a busy day’:
10 TIPS FOR DEVELOPING SPEECH, LANGUAGE AND COMMUNICATION
GET YOUR CHILD’S FULL ATTENTION FIRST
Get down to the child’s level and engage their attention before speaking or asking a question – say their name to encourage them to stop and listen. Talking about what your child is interested in will also help to gain their attention.
MAKE LEARNING LANGAUGE FUN
Funny voices, rhymes, noises and singing all help children to learn language. Be silly – often the daftest things gain their attention
IMITATE CHILDREN’S LANGUAGE
With very young children, simply repeat back sounds, words and sentences. This demonstrates that you value all they say. This can be anything from “ba” to “Oh, you liked the apple?”
USE A FULL RANGE OF EXPRESSION
Speak in a lively, animated voice and use lots of gestures and facial expressions to back up your words – you’ll give clues about what your words mean
USE SIMPLE, REPETITIVE LANGUAGE
Keep sentences short – as you talk about what is happening (“We’re driving in the car” or “Wow, you’re building a tower”)
MAKE IT EASY FOR YOUR CHILD TO LISTEN AND TALK
It is easier for your child to know what to listen to if your voice is not being masked by the television or music. Give your child quiet times to help them focus on your words. If your child uses a dummy, make sure that it is not in the way of their talking. Keep dummies to sleeptimes
BUILD ON WHAT CHILDREN SAY
Talk very clearly and add one or two words to your child’s sentence – if your child says ‘look car’, you could say ‘look, red car’
GIVE CHILDREN TIME TO RESPOND
Children often need time to put their thoughts together before answering, so give them longer to respond than you would with an adult
BE CAREFUL WITH QUESTIONS
Try not to ask too many questions, especially ones that sound like you’re constantly testing the child, or where you already know the answer
DEMONSTRATE THE RIGHT WAY
Praise your child’s efforts, even if the results aren’t perfect – if the child says “we goed to the shops” the adult might say “Yes we went to the shops” of if child says “look tar” the adult could say “yes, car!”
I thought these were pretty good tips but I’d add avoid baby talk. I honestly have never understood the thinking behind teaching two versions of words when you can teach the correct one from the start! Why say ‘Choo-Choo’ when you can say ‘train’? Why teach ‘Ta’ when you can teach ‘thank you’. Some baby talk words are more difficult to say than the real ones i.e. ‘Bow wow’ V ‘dog’!!!! My son’s speech has always been fairly advanced (a real chatterbox) and although he loves using funny voices, making up words and silly rhymes (which I encourage) he has a great vocabulary and loves learning new words and their meanings. I’m sure this has been largely down to us taking advantage of his inquisitive nature and explaining things properly when he asks about them rather than palming him off with kiddy answers – that are often not true. Sometimes adults can assume a child will not understand and therefore over simplify an answer which can actually end up confusing a child – especially if they’re on to the fact that you’ve made it up! I also found responding to a question with a little bit of additional information but not too much helps to add interest and fun into learning. I also have talked a lot to my son from him being a tiny baby and I believe this helps them with their speech and understanding.
What tips would you add to encourage development in your child’s communication?
This photo manipulating thing is so much fun! If you haven’t had a go yet, may I recommend popping to fivegoblogging for an explanation and to see more of us Picnik-a-holics!
For this weeks entry I took a photo in the grounds of Clare College, Cambridge. Here it is pre-treatment:
…and here it is once I had given it the Picnik treatment:
The ‘Changing Face of Motherhood’ is a major research project undertaken by P&G in conjunction with the SIRC (Social Issues Research Centre). The research covered a range of topics including how today’s mums feel they’re valued by society and about raising their children compared to previous generations.
Amongst some other really interesting findings (see here) the research found that the average Mums ‘me-time’ is just 26 minutes!! They found that the majority of mums have 3-4 hours to themselves a week – the equivalent to 26 minutes a day. 64% of mums put this down to the demands of having to go out to work, while 29% say that the pressure to be a perfect mother means they feel they have less ‘me-time’.
Here at More than a Mum you’ll know by now our dual aim is to support, encourage and inspire you to be a brilliant mum AND to rediscover your identity as a woman at the same time. In order to even have a hope of fulfilling the latter goal, me-time is essential, imperative, vital etc.
Mums are so organised in so many respects because we have to be. Even if you think you’re not good at it – just take a look at your week so far… You’ve somehow managed to dress, cook for, ferry around, smile at , engage with, stimulate, love, discipline your little people all while possibly being an employee, spouse, friend, relative, lover, gardener, dog-walker at the same time!
So why don’t we schedule in time for ourselves???? Because we don’t think it’s important enough. Because we don’t think we can afford to. Because we don’t think it’s a priority. All in all, because we don’t think we’re worth it!!! Not good ladies, not good!
More than a Mum has said time and again that if we want our children to be happy and fulfilled then we need to model that for them ourselves.
We put out the challenge a few weeks back and we haven’t been checking up on you (LOL!) so here it is again – what can you plan for yourself this weekend or for this next week to remind yourself that you are ‘More than a Mum’?
Answers on a postcard – well on here and on Twitter anyway 😉