I’ve been reflecting on the word ‘hope’ and the power of it lately. It’s easy to think that hope is a weak emotion – a desperate clutching onto something we desire but are not sure will happen – it’s simply a wish. However, the definition states hope is; a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. Still sound a bit flimsy? Well maybe but, without that very simple notion nothing will happen in life.
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So I came across another article yesterday that basically blamed mothers for any messed up adults (again!) the headline being – ‘How bond with mother in first 18 months can shape our love life!’ I should probably say it was in the Daily Mail which helped me not to take it too seriously. However, the article was based on research done by a team of psychologists and university professors (The study is published in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science) which again doesn’t particularly mean it’s any more true – but nevertheless made it appear slightly more official. The researchers found ‘those children with a secure bond with their mothers were likely to have more successful relationships later on in life’. This much I agree with and I know there has been extensive research that the first years are of huge significance to a person’s life course. There has also been extensive research on how physical touch and love have a massive effect on the brain development of children – see a brilliant book on this called ‘The Science of Parenting’. However, the research in this article goes a step further claiming:
‘Your interpersonal experiences with your mother during the first 12 to 18 months of life predict your behaviour in romantic relationships 20 years later.’
Apparently the ability to ‘trust, love and work through arguments’ is developed early on in these crucial stages. I don’t think a single person could read the article and not end up analysing whether there is a correlation between their mother’s love and the success or failure of their relationships. My problem with this is whether it gives adults an excuse for poor behaviour and encourages a lack of responsibility for one’s actions.
The article does go on to say, ‘Old patterns can be overcome. A betrayed baby can become loyal. An unloved infant can learn to love.’ Which suggests we are not a slave to our upbringing though even this was put in a particularly harsh way.
It is not new news that our childhood affects who we are as adults but when it comes to romantic relationships I would have thought we were more influenced by the opposite sex parent to a larger extent and surely at a much later stage in life? As with most sweeping statements it ignores the multitudes of other factors that influence a persons conduct in a relationship.
If this study is to be trusted then where does that leave every mother who has suffered with post natal depression and was unable to bond with her child during that crucial first year? Feeling pretty crap I would think!
I’m a firm believer that most things can be turned around with a big, and consistent, dose of love and that we have the power to change ourselves, break the mould and decide who we want to be!
I read with interest yesterday an article on the updated findings of a landmark report published three years ago by the Children’s Society – ‘A Good Childhood’ which I blogged on some months back – here. The previous study warned that young people’s lives are being blighted by Britain’s selfish society. However, the updated findings say that ‘half a million children in Britain are unhappy at any moment’. Following interviews with 30,000 under-16s it claims those who have deeply negative feelings about their lives are at higher risk of bullying, depression and eating disorders. At first glance it makes for depressing reading and is another stark reminder that we still have unacceptable levels of child poverty in this country are more than unacceptable. But, I then realised that the study was not talking about children on the poverty line but children in general across the board!
As I read on what actually concerned, and frankly annoyed, me about the report was the findings that;
‘Children who worry that they do not have the right clothes to “fit in” with classmates are three times as likely to be unhappy with the way they look, with the problem affecting girls more than boys.’ And ‘Those who received less pocket money than their peers reported lower levels of well-being, but so did those who were given a lot more cash, suggesting that children want to be similar to their friends more than they want to be rich.’
I’m sorry but since when did we not balk at the idea that our responsibility for making our children ‘happy’ lies with providing them with the right ‘clothes’ and enough pocket money? Is it just me or is something amiss here? Should it not be more cause for alarm that the emphasis and importance placed on image, labels and material things in general is completely out of control and endemic? Instead of being encouraged to revise our children’s opinions we’re being pressured to adhere to their demands and (in my opinion) helping to compound the problem.
Don’t get me wrong; I do understand the mortification of not having a ‘puff-ball’ skirt, ‘Wallabies’ or a ‘United Colors of Benetton’ sweatshirt at school because we were a single-parent family who lived on a council estate! However, despite our low income, my mum always dressed us ‘well’ albeit not the latest labels. My mum, instead encouraged us to be individual and suggested it was cool to be different – just as well seen as we were the only mixed-race kids in our entire year! I remember my aunt made us some ‘flares’ just before they heavily came in fashion (I’m talking the second time round in the 90’s – I’m not that old!) and although we were a little nervous at wearing them in the first week, the ‘top girl’ of the school came up to us asked us where we got them from and if our aunt would make her some! There is a lot you can get away with if you’re confident and this attitude has got me a long way in life ever since. I just think it’s a much more helpful trait to encourage in your child – confidence, individuality and setting the trend rather than following it.
There is a big difference between not having any shoes at all (real child poverty) and not having the ‘right’ shoes. And as for pocket money – don’t even get me started. They don’t know they’re born!!
In this time of New Year’s resolutions and making promises to “do better this year”, don’t forget you. You are probably aware by now of the mission of More Than a Mum (if not, click here!) and therefore I’d like you all to look carefully at your New Year’s resolutions and check that you’re not using them as a stick with which to beat yourself…
It is easy to get into a negative frame of mind with New Year’s resolutions. Looking at the ‘bad’ things you do and trying to improve them is important, but don’t dwell only on what you do that you shouldn’t and don’t do that you should. I advocate (and have a few of my own) resolutions which fit with the ‘giving up …’ ‘trying to stop…’ ‘making more time for…’ ‘Getting round to…’ themes, but I also think that we should all have at least one resolution which is based purely on a positive and gives you some of that all important “Me Time”.
That is why this year I am going to learn pottery.
I am a learn-a-holic. I’m a teacher by trade and last year I completed my Masters in Education. This completion has left me somewhat bereft. Doing my MEd kept me sane at many points during the last few years (No honestly, it did!) and the flexible study of the OU was perfect to fit around family life. I love education and enjoy learning for its own sake, but this year it is OH’s turn to start studying, so there is no way that there will be enough time for two of us in the family to be working on academic stuff and frankly I should take a break from essays and all that jazz. But, I couldn’t take a break from learning, hence the pottery.
I really think that learning something new is a great gift to yourself. It challenges your views of yourself. It gives you a goal and who knows, it could open new avenues for you. Watch this space for my online pottery catalogue! You could learn a language, take an eyebrow threading course, try burlesque dancing or learn to sew. It doesn’t matter what it is; how big or how small; it doesn’t matter if it is academic, practical or even pointless, learning something is all about focusing on you for a bit.
As a Mum it is also great to share learning experiences with your kids. You will be better placed to understand their trials and tribulations in school: they may be struggling to understand algebra and you trying to get to grips with ice-skating, but you’ll remember what it feels like to be learning. You’ll be able to talk to them about strategies you use to help you learn. You can discuss ways of overcoming difficulties and sympathise about how teachers and/or other students can really get on your nerves!
The things you could learn are endless, the places you could learn them diverse and the costs varied. For first inspiration you could try googling your postcode and the word courses, classes or learning. I tried and found a photography course, a reki and natural healing course and Spanish lessons in less than a minute. Libraries and local council websites can also be a good place to start looking for ideas, as can local pubs and clubs (my local has Salsa classes in its function room on a Wednesday evening) or shop and community hall noticeboards.
My OU masters cost a fair bit (though some was paid for by employers as it was relevant to my job – always worth asking your boss; the worst they can say is no.) The pottery is run by the Arts Centre at a local University, and costs just over £90 for the term, including materials. Our local Children’s Centre runs various free courses from drawing classes to job interview skills, from yoga to bhangra. Many universities run free taster courses in both academic and professional development courses. If you don’t fancy or can’t afford taught courses there are so many things you can learn for free online. Just google “learn to knit online” if you need an example.
Why not make this year the year that you learn something new? It might be something you’ve always dreamed of, or something you spotted on a whim on a flyer, but go on, make a resolution to spend some time on you this year: learn something new.
Having just read Caitlin Moran’s ‘How to be a Woman’ (don’t worry I won’t spoil it for you book clubbers who haven’t finished it yet!) I now know how impossibly silly it is being a woman. Moran has a brilliant way of showing us how idiotic we can be while allowing us to laugh at ourselves at the same time – all in the name of being a woman!
One such thing is the whole notion of high-heeled shoes! Ooooh how we love them, covet them, crave them, save for them, buy them…..and then not wear them! Not just because we have no occasion to wear them to (though this is a strong and poignant factor) but ultimately due to the fact that basically we can’t walk in them! I had to laugh out loud as I absorbed the ridiculousness of some of the shoes I have worn and tortured my feet, back, knees and pride in!! I have many shoes, which you basically need to be transported to a spot in them and then stay there all night. Forget walking, let alone dancing. I’m posting this now as the Christmas season of parties and get-togethers is a common excuse for indulging in a bit of shoe purchasing.
Oh but we love them so much and as Moran pointed out, we firmly believe they make our legs look slimmer and longer. However, Moran also remarks that the real effect is actually more like a pigs trotter than a supermodels limb – and I’m afraid I have to agree!
Then there is the waste: The shoes worn once or not at all. I believe this is, like many unworn items of clothing, us women stowing away for the fictitious woman we will one day be (or want to be i.e. same thing) when we have more time, when we lose more weight, when the kids are older, when that fashion comes round again. We know deep down that day will probably never come but, it’s nonetheless a reminder of the woman we believe we can be. She is powerful, sexy, not tired and without baby sick or a child’s dinner down her dress. Ah, how wonderful she is *sigh*
Right ladies, if we are ‘More than a Mum’ which indeed we are – then let’s start wearing those shoes. Even if it’s to surprise hubby when he arrives home from work, or under your desk in the office, or while you’re doing your housework – Why? Because we can, and that woman does not need to be fictitious, neither does she need to be skinny, childless, young or anything else you may sometimes wish you were. It may at least make you feel good and bring a smile to your face – that is before the pain kicks in of course.
High heels are one of the things that intrinsically makes us feel ‘Woman’ and to me that is all good.
You are more than a Mum!
I read a really thought provoking article this morning which really challenged my thinking completely. It was by author Lisa Bloom in the Huffington Post called How to Talk to Little Girls. Now I see myself as a liberal, forward thinking, bordering on feminist woman who feels strongly about girls celebrating their brains as well as beauty; having a healthy all-round self-image. However, when I read the article I realised that I too have often been guilty of employing ‘flattering’ tactics of little girls in order to boost their self-esteem. All little girls want to be a princess and love to be complimented on their pretty dress, hair or smile – something we never really grow out of! But what Bloom challenges in the article is the idea that teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. This really did make me stop in my tracks!
Bloom noted that this week ABC News reported that;
‘Nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. Also in her book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, she reveals that 15 to 18 percent of girls under 12 now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and 25 percent of young American women would rather win America’s Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they’d rather be hot than smart.’
A depressing outlook!
Yes we want our little girls to know they are beautiful physically regardless of the current ‘trend’ for beauty and whether they fit into it or not but, wouldn’t it be even better if they were brought up to believe that this actually doesn’t even matter at all?! As to whether this is possible in today’s society is another thing altogether but Bloom does believe we can play our small and significant part to, as she says, ‘Change the world, one little girl at a time.’
Bloom suggests we consciously engage in a different dialogue when we talk to little girls such as asking them; What is she reading? What does she like and dislike, and why? For older girls she advises, asking about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Basically to model for her what a thinking woman says and does.
I found this really inspiring as well as challenging. I don’t have a daughter but if I did I’d love it if my friend’s I admire and look up to conversed with her in this way. As a mum of a son it obviously got me thinking about how we talk to boys and what negative stereotypes we subliminally enforce – but that’s another blog post for another day!!
The ‘Changing Face of Motherhood’ is a major research project undertaken by P&G in conjunction with the SIRC (Social Issues Research Centre). The research covered a range of topics including how today’s mums feel they’re valued by society and about raising their children compared to previous generations.
Amongst some other really interesting findings (see here) the research found that the average Mums ‘me-time’ is just 26 minutes!! They found that the majority of mums have 3-4 hours to themselves a week – the equivalent to 26 minutes a day. 64% of mums put this down to the demands of having to go out to work, while 29% say that the pressure to be a perfect mother means they feel they have less ‘me-time’.
Here at More than a Mum you’ll know by now our dual aim is to support, encourage and inspire you to be a brilliant mum AND to rediscover your identity as a woman at the same time. In order to even have a hope of fulfilling the latter goal, me-time is essential, imperative, vital etc.
Mums are so organised in so many respects because we have to be. Even if you think you’re not good at it – just take a look at your week so far… You’ve somehow managed to dress, cook for, ferry around, smile at , engage with, stimulate, love, discipline your little people all while possibly being an employee, spouse, friend, relative, lover, gardener, dog-walker at the same time!
So why don’t we schedule in time for ourselves???? Because we don’t think it’s important enough. Because we don’t think we can afford to. Because we don’t think it’s a priority. All in all, because we don’t think we’re worth it!!! Not good ladies, not good!
More than a Mum has said time and again that if we want our children to be happy and fulfilled then we need to model that for them ourselves.
We put out the challenge a few weeks back and we haven’t been checking up on you (LOL!) so here it is again – what can you plan for yourself this weekend or for this next week to remind yourself that you are ‘More than a Mum’?
Answers on a postcard – well on here and on Twitter anyway 😉
Right, so I think I understand how this one works. @more_than_a was tagged by @welshmumwales to take part in the 10 question meme by @AlliMarshall for Super Amazing Mum… well anyway, the rules are here:
1) Answer the 10 questions
2) Tag someone to do the same
3) Go and leave a comment on the original blog post over at Super Amazing Mum and comment that you have done so in order for us to find out who has been tagged and therefore find out more about our fellow bloggers!
The problem for More Than a Mum is that we are two people and the 10 questions are about individuals, so I have decided to answer these as @roothe and tag @lor_fenton so that you can hear from both of us.
1) Describe yourself in 7 words?
Teacher, mummy, wife. Love gin, food, travel.
2) What keeps you awake at night?
Not a lot really (I love sleep!)– I do have an annoying habit, however, of feeling really tired when I put munchkin to bed and promising myself an early late; then getting into work/blogging/tweeting and going to bed way too late (I’m writing this a 11.52pm!) and being Cream Crackered in the morning!
3) If you could be anyone for a day, who would you be and why?
A luxury travel writer. I’d love to be able to visit swish places and review them and call that work! I love good food, good drink and travel so to be able to do all three and call it work would suit me just fine!
4) What are you wearing right now!!
Trousers, boots and a big cuddly cardigan. I love cuddly cardies in the evening.
5) What scares you?
Heights and spiral staircases. Still remember being talked into going up a viewing tower in Kracow and having to come back down really slowly on my bum…I only went up one storey! Also got vertigo snorkling in Turkey. *shudders*
6) What is the best and worst about blogging?
Only been doing it for a very few weeks, but I love the sense of community. There are so many nice people out there who really want you to succeed and want to help you do it.
The worst bit? Trying to decide what you can write in the knowledge that people you know read it too! (See blog entitled “pelvic floor muscles” and decide if I have shared too much!)
7) What was the last website you looked at?
Twitter – I’m obsessed!
8 ) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I’d love to be one of those people who puts things away where they got them from, without having to think about it. I’d love to be a neat, tidy person, but I just can’t manage it despite the fact that untidiness drives me potty!
9) Slankets – Yes or No (this divides the blogging world ;-))
What’s a Slanket? Seriously. No idea! Will go and Google it now. *hangs head in shame at not being on top of blogging current affairs*
10) Tell us something about the person who tagged you?
I was tagged by Welsh Mum. She’s a really friendly tweeter who let me whinge on about wanting to live in the country! Also, her “little Miss” has been made Class rep at school and she takes a pretty amazing sunset photo!
I am tagging @lor_fenton, @stressymummy, @BooandMe_ and @moors_mummy
One of our aims and commitments as More than a Mum is to not only help you to be a brilliant mum but to help you rediscover your identity as a woman too. We want our posts to be practical as well as informative, constructive as well as inspiring.
I’m conscious we could easily neglect the identity issue as it is incredibly easy for us to become absorbed, and dare I say, all consumed in being parents. Sometimes without even realising it. But who are you without your child? Do you sometimes wonder what to talk about or even what to do with your hands when you don’t have your child with you? People lose their identity for all sorts of reasons; a dominating partner, a demanding career, a busy parent. However, it’s worth remembering we are only in danger of losing who we are if our identity is wrapped up ‘only’ in what we do.
As parents we long for our children’s successes to surpass our own, for them to have the opportunities we never had and we do everything in our power to help them along the way. However, as we’ve said time and time again in our posts ‘a happy and fulfilled parent equals a happy and fulfilled child’. The best thing we can do for our children is to lead by example. To live what we want to teach them – not just talk about it. Not only do we owe it to our children though, but we owe it to ourselves to reignite our passion for our dreams, to dig them up from the depths where we, or life’s pressures, have buried them and to start to construct a plan towards achieving them.
Maybe it’s been so long that you’ve forgotten your dream. Maybe you think you don’t have one anymore. I’m confident with the right kind of digging you can uncover it and be on your way to rediscovering your identity as a woman in the process.
The following steps are just for you. You don’t have to share them with anyone yet but I do encourage you to write them down to make it more real.
Step 1: What did you want to be as a little girl/boy? (Try to remember the self-belief and abandonment you had as a child – that the world was your oyster and you could do or be anything you wanted to be.)
Step 2: What would you do if you were guaranteed you wouldn’t fail?
Step 3: What do you wish you could be doing this time next year? (Your short-term goal)
Step 4: What do you wish you could be doing in 5 years time? (Your mid term goal)
Step 5: Where would you like to be and what would you want to be doing in ten years time? (Your long-term goal)
Step 6: What is something you would quite like to do that you know you can do you just haven’t got round to doing it or made time to do it?
Step 7: What would you love to do but it seems like too much hard work/effort/time?
Step 8: What’s your crazy dream you secretly would love to do but struggle to believe it’s even possible?
Step 9: Look back over all your answers so far.
– What small step could you do tomorrow towards any of these things?
– What medium step could you commit to do in the next two weeks towards any of these things?
– What big step could you take by Christmas towards any of these things?
Step 10: The important thing is to just get on and do it. Stop talking yourself out of it or looking at the obstacles or difficulties in the way – Just get started.
Wake up tomorrow and take that first tiny step.
If you read last week’s BritMums blog prompt post, you’ll have an idea of the kinds of things we want to cover in this blog. So far, we’ve posted about the joys and trials of motherhood, various socio-political issues around parenting, toddler activities and even a recipe, but we haven’t posted much about ensuring that you don’t get lost in the role of parent and you still do things for yourself.
Therefore today I want tell you about a 24 hour period where I did a number of the things that I used to take for granted before the Munchkin.
The weekend before last, hubby and I finally managed a night away together. Whilst we do go out together, we had not yet managed to orchestrate a night away, what with parents living a reasonable distance away and yes, I’ll admit a good amount of nerves on our part that the Munchkin would have a meltdown about us not being there.
We decided to go to my Mum’s for a few nights and in the middle, book one night away where Munchkin would stay with Grandma…alone! We booked somewhere not too far away, both so we could maximise our time together and so that we could get back to Mum’s should there be an issue.
It was wonderful. Munchkin was absolutely fine with her beloved Grandma. In fact today at lunchtime when I told her the rule in our house was she had to try what was on her plate before telling me she didn’t like it, she told me she’d go and live with Grandma!
We stayed in the Cotswold town of Malmesbury and I can highly recommend it. It is not that big, so our 24 hour period was enough to explore most of what it had to offer. We arrived at around 3pm and checked into The Old Bell Hotel. Before Munchkin, hubby and I used to treat ourselves to a weekend away once or twice a year, at a nice hotel with a good restaurant. From the internet write-ups this seemed to fit the bill. It wasn’t cheap, but that’s why we went for a Sunday night special!
After having checked in we went to the Abbey House Gardens for a wander to absorb some peace; I could indulge my budding interest in macro photography and we could perhaps catch a glimpse of the naked gardeners (yes, they do garden naked there!). The gardens were beautiful and “sans child” we just wandered for a couple of hours – no need of swings or snacks.
After a stroll round the town, we declared it gin-o’clock and ensconced ourselves in the hotel bar. Obviously by this point we had subconsciously decided there would be no need to race back to rescue Grandma! We spent the early evening sitting by the fire, drinking and talking about everything and anything. We then had a delicious dinner and a few glasses of wine and headed up to our room for an evening without a child in tow… ergo I fell asleep while hubby was talking and he watched Have I got News for You in bed!
Breakfast the next morning was excellent, as was the leisurely morning before we checked out. We then spent another few hours pottering round the town. We visited the town museum which was really well laid out and had just the right balance of information and interactivity. It also had a display of Turner sketches upstairs and as he is one of my favourite artists, I was happy. We bought a few Christmas presents (early I know but anything to save me from Christmas shopping crowds with a toddler) and wandered round the Abbey itself.
All in all, we had a fantastic time, being just two and doing things for us. We’d highly recommend Malmesbury and also recommend having time away from the kids.
Oh and here’s my best efforts at ‘arty’ photography: